THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DONT BLOG FOR AWHILE!

April 8, 2009

Hi all. been awhile. No excuses. I have been lazy, preoccupied, and more interested in tv, texas hold em and vacation planning. We head for our cruise Saturday so I may or may not blog it depending on laptop reception in the room late at night. The first blog post-cruise will be "Square One" (with my working out, my eating habits, my weight loss plan). I have slipped considerably since the bar mitzvah. Havent gained a lot of weight but just developed bad habits. And while I will not make my goal weight for my 20th college reunion I do want to be respectable!

So in the spirit of Happy Passover and Easter here we go:

KERNEL NUMBER 1 -- KEANU REEVES

Ok, I am channel surfing the other night and I happen upon one of what I believe to be, what I call the "all-time best worst movies" ever. Pointbreak. Presidential-mask wearing bank robbers by day, surfer legends by night are at the epicenter of this would-be cop drama. A completely healthy and buff Patrick Swayze (reinforcing how sad it is to see pictures of him now dying from pancreatic cancer). And Keanu. It's near the end when I turn it on but it reminds me that every time I see it I am reminded of how Keanu is truly the worst actor, and the worst policeman in the movies of all time. Agent Utah. What a name. I laugh every time.

In this movie he got his girlfirend (played by the insecure something to prove sister to Geena Davis in A League of Their Own) kidnapped and nearly killed, he got his partner played by the then awesome Gary Busey (a chilli dog at 9am eating wise cracking surly vet of a cop, think fat unhealthy Mel Gibson from Lethal Weapon) actually killed, he loses the suspects in an on foot chase because his kneee blows out, he can't shoot worth a lick, and then when he chases Swayze ("Brody" -- now that's a cool surfer name) to some typhoon once-in-a-lifetime wave in some remote area of the world (where I am sure dozens of federal police would fly in helicopters) he handcuffs Brody to bring him back to the states to send him to prison, only to let his inner surfer dude dictate, and give in to Brody's demands that he get the chance to ride the once in a lifetime wave to a drowning blaze of glory.

Now with due respect to my sci fi bretheren who think Keanus is the S in the Matrix movies (full disclosure -- I HATE sci-fi, so these movies wouldn't work for me if played by DeNiro, Nicholson, Pacino, John Cusack, etc.), he is by far the single worst actor ever. In essence, every role he sounds like himself from Big and Ted's Excellent Adventure, a poor man's Jeff Spicolli (Sean Penn -- Fast Times at Ridgemont High). Plays the same dope in Parenthood (where he crashes his mini racing car into a wall gets a concussion etc.).

The dialogue at the end of Pointbreak is designed to be serious, drama and you will burst out laughing if you ever watch it. "It had to be that way." "Are you surfing?" "Every day?" "People got hurt." "Yeah, it went bad. Real bad." I mean you can't make this sort of stuff up.

You know how you know he's a bad cop? Because you are rooting for the bad guy. Seriously, when I watch Clint play a cop you can't wait for him to exact revenge. Same with Glover and Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Willis in Die Hard. But with Keanu, you hope he drowns in the wave, or that Dennis Hopper blows Keanu up on the bus during Speed! Don;t even get me started about his efforts to play the leading man in romance movies (that stupid movier where he played the guy from the war, the lake movie, and so on).

Pointbreak is a must-see BECAUSE of how stuipid the dialogue is, and how badly Keanu delivers it. And because Swayze makes the most out of this ridiculous role, with Gary Busey in his pre-brain damaged prime, and Swayze's sidekick, who is a true bad ass. Gets shot and then sky dives out of the plane hoping to survive giving Keanu the proverbial finger as he does. Pretty cool.

As a footnote, Swayze is in another "all-time best worst movies' ever -- Roadhouse. He plays a philosophical "cooler" (distinct from a bouncer) who goes in to clean up the corrupt local town. Kelly Lynch is the apple of his eye as she plays the doctor who treats him after he takes a knifing during one of the bar brawls. The movie is so ridiculous its actually entertaining. His old mentor sidekick with the handlbar mustache who looks 70 years old gets killed and Swayze exacts revenge. He is tormented you see by having killed a man in a prior cooling incident years earlier and simply is trying to outrun his inner torment. Seriously. In any event, recent WWE Hall of Fame inductee, and hard-core legend Terry Funk delivers the line of the movie. "You don't look like shit to me." Swayze responds intellectually with the classic retort "Opinions vary." Funk's facial reaction to that line is so well delivered its worth the price of Netflix to rent it. So too the blind guy who plays paino and sings in the cage at the bar.

3 other "best worst" movies (which are arguably different than "guilty pleasures" movies and "overrated critically acclaimed movies") include: (i) Over the Top (Stallone the arm wrestler who has to win to win back his son's affection and respect); (ii) Celtic Pride (Dan Akroyd and Daniel Stern (who is far far far away from his funny turn in City Slickers as the slacker friend with the miserable wife, the affair with the check out girl, who develops a mini crush on the woman who played Billy Jean, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the woman Michael J Fox falls in love with in Secret of My Success [Krsitine Swanson] kidnapping Daymon Wayans) and (iii) Eddie (Whoopi Goldberg as loyal Knick fan who is literally plucked out of the back row and made coach of the team by her then lover, and Academy Award nominee Loggia for Nixon, to compete against Dennis Ferinnia who plays tons of over the top would-be mob guys often).

One day I will do a whole top 10 of these, guilty pleasures, etc. As a footnote overrated critically acclaimed movies include "Last of the Mohicans, Dances with Wolves (Costner will get his own blog one day), Piano (I love Harvey Keitel and this was by far one of the worst movies I have ever seen and went on to win like a million awards), My Left Foot (Daniel Day Lewis thing), and Kiss of a Spiderwoman.

KENREL NUMBER 2 -- SMELLS

Lately, I cannot help but notice a ton of disgusting smells in NYC. First, the other day every street smelled like bum. I mean literally. Nauseating horiffic body odorish bum. Could not find a street that worked. And this led me to think about the other hideous smells that I have been encountering.

On the corner of 52nd and lex waiting to cross the street every day I am overpowered by the disgusting aroma of what I think is a batch of their cinnamon icing. But is awful. Vomitously so. it is only surpassed by the smell of Subways in the morning as it opens and is baking bread. Then there is the smell of steakhouses at 9am. Pass by one at night and it is inviting. Pass by one during the moring before coffee and it is just bad.

KERNEL NUMBER 3 -- WRESTLEMANIA 25

I was about 50% on my predictions. We did watch one of the best matches of all time in Taker-Michaels. Worth the money!

KERNEL NUMBER 4. -- UCONN WOMEN

Wow. Dominant. What an incredible run. 39-0. That is pretty impressive for any sport. Little league, CYO hoops. I wonder if Coach Gino could enjoy such success in men's hoops. Would be cool to find out -- might highlight differences between the sports, or signal that basketball is basketball regardless of level, gender, etc. I wonder about these things.

Plus I won my one and only Men's NCAA pool this year by nailing the Final Four, the Final 2 and the Champs. NC was the real deal from Day 1. Roy Williams is now the man in college hoops coaching. Izzo with 5 final 4s in 11 years need not take a back seat to the rest of the coaching fraternity. Nice to see Nova back in Final 4 24 years since Rollie gave me my favorite non-Yankee sports moment ever.

KERNEL NUMBER 5 -- SIR-MIX-A-LOT AND FRIENDS

What do you get when you combine SIR-MIX-A-LOT, rapper deluxe of classic one hit wonder "Baby Got Back", the Burger King King, Sponge Bob, dancing women with phone books? Arguably the single dumbest commerical ever. Sounds about right. I am thinking Ronald McDonald needs to take the Burger King King to the woodshed, old school mascot style. And perhaps Tone Loc, or maybe even the Sugar Hill Gang needs to speak with Mix (who incidentally looks like he shed a few pounds over the years so cool for him). Maybe its my anti Sponge Bob. I don't know.

KERNEL NUMBER 6 -- BASEBALL

Too early to get excited. Yanks will only go as far as their pitching. Would be nice if they didn't give away April every year but that it seems two games in might be too much to ask. Met fans will be happy all summer as they have the horses to compete all season with the new bullpen. Beware the TO effect of Gary Scheffield. Once a lethal hitter, I suspect he will be released by June 15. At this stage his bat and talent are more than offset by his reputation as clubhouse destoryer (fairly or unfairly). I think it will look a lot like last year. Phils, Cubs, Dodgers and then the Mets. Yanks, Tampa, Red Sox, Angels, Twins will compete. Surprise team in NL -- Florida. in AL -- Texas (no pitching but will improve).

KERNEL NUMBER 7 -- RANDOM NOTES

Lie to Me is officially becoming the best/coolest show on tv.

Rooftop bars in NYC are awesome.

I think we have finally emerged from the post-bar mitzvah hangover. Now on to Dylan's! (October 30 2010!!)

How's the economy treating everybody?

Knicks seem to be mailing in the season's end. 30 wins. Wow. Irony is that Charlotte coached by
Larry Brown with lesser talent outperferformed them. Celtics will win the title again if Garnett is healthy.

On any given day we have trouble with the garage doors, the remote control, the Internet. We would like to take these for granted, please.

During baseball season I like reading USA today for the little daily baseball blurbs. And the transactions report.

Tiger will win the Masters this weekend. Again.

Is it wrong to be hungry all the time?

How do I get in the Eminem new celebrity mocking video?

KERNEL NUMBER 8 -- AM I THE ONLY WHO WONDERS?

If I can hire a FB assistant to go through what I want to read and what I don't?

If Rescue Me will have its best season yet with a 6-episode arc including the incredible Michael J Fox, playing a wheelchair bound wise cracker involved with Tommy's (Dennis Leary) ex wife?

If Kelly Pickler will win a country music award a la Carrie Underwood?

If the Kornfeld family vacation can be drama free? The pre-departure stress, panic of checking lists and making sure every one is packed and ready to go could be the makings of a reality tv show.

If the Knicks should honor the sad and untimely passing of Marvin the Eraser Webster with "Eraser Night" at the Garden?

If Seth Rogen could be any funnier?

If the passing of Lipstick Jungle qualifies as a traghic tv death or mercy killing?

If any one noticed the end of Life on Mars?

How is it possible that John Stamos and Bob Saget are both on tv, so too Stamos' love interest from Full House (she plays th mom on the new 90210), but not the goofy other guy?

How is it possible that they could do a Melrose place re-make and not have Marcia Coss guest star as the dimented Kimberly? heather Locklear will eventually be the show's star again which is cool since she hasnt really aged since they last were on the air.

How is it possible that Fast and the Furious 4, with Vin Diesel having returned after missing the middle 2 and 3, had a record-breaking first wekeend and will do over $150m?

If my blog could be any longer about non world events?

HAPPY PASSOVER AND EASTER ALL. MUCH LOVE.

KORNY